08.14.26 (*spongebob voiceover* 10 awaas leytehr (10 hours later))

Once again I am putting things off to the eleventh hour. Once again writing this into the code editor. I woke up, did some 478 breathing, reminded myself not get hysterical, read some Anais Nin on my "porch" (that front table area in front of our windows iykyk). Speaker issue resolved, fruits bought. Need to push the last changes on my piece, and then I'll give myself a quick pedicure so I don't feel insecure about my feet tonight. Tonight will be an interesting exercise of being at a legendary party while being sober. I think I can stil have fun. I might get a CBD seltzer or an NA beer.

08.14.26

Almost done-ish with the Ripe piece but hitting the wall for the night. telling myself good enough is fine. it's the story that counts and no one will judge me for making a boring looking website with clunky code that probably breaks every SOLID principle or whateva. if you look under the hood you'll see my shits coupled, redundant, bloated etc. don't care + yolo + etc. i'm straight up just typing this into the neocities code editor because too tired to type in a doc and paste here so no autocaps and spell check for this entry. I'm deciding which page to add a comment with a link to an unlisted playlist of music videos I enjoy. that aside i've been sitting in front of this screen, hair and face greasy, low ponytail, vaping. you know the vibe. the Ripe video with the car was posted to praise from my friends and it briefly boosted my ego seeing myself in my baddie fit. i reposted it and then deleted the app off my phone because I knew I'd start getting crazy again. I feel proud of them, us for really pulling it together. I'm worried I haven't made it clear to enough to my friends how grateful I am for getting to be part of it. not even just to have the honor being the clownslut brown baddie video vixen love interest, but making me start giving a shit about making something of quality for it's own sake, or at least trying to.

Besides that, today I showed up to php late because I had a physical I'd been putting off because I don't like getting blood drawn. i got the results later today in mychart and all the test results are normal, healthy, in the green range. I was kinda hoping there was iron or vitamin d deficiency so I could blame my neuroses on it. maybe it is all in my head. after, in the chickfila drive through (starting to feel normal about food again and actually ordered fries instead of just the sandwich. which I ate in its entirety, but i did get diet dr pepper) as I tapped on my brakes in line, I read some of the Dean Kissick interview with Adam Curtis in vice magazine. questions about what the 'self' is the part that stuck with me was noticing (or denial) of there being a separate reality, like that whole 'the web used to be Place' where life happens primarily irl and then reported to online. now online is reality, and we report the online to friends irl. i thought about the part from Midwestern Death Trip where Meaghan Garvey said when the world becomes chaotic, you can only really trust yourself idk. i'm thinking out loud.

I feel like I have more to say but my eyes are closing zzzz

05.19.26

Today I set up my domain name and subbed to hosting on here (neocities), in addition to building this skinny HTML skeleton-ish website. My hair is greasy and I feel agitated. I didn't read the old magazines I got from Paradise Found yesterday. In my neutral flow state I missed my Removery appointment. Idk if all of these things are related or not. I have a tendency to feel completely useless and unproductive regardless of literally doing stuff. I think I need to take a break from weed. I hope I keep up with this thing.

Now that this thing has some bones I can wake up refreshed tomorrow. Seeing Smerz in the evening, but already dreading work the next day...

05.14.26

I figured this would be a good first entry than any other because letterboxd is where I started getting comfortable writing paragraphs that no ones gives a fuck about publicly over the years. I have copied my comments from letterboxd for Derek Jarman's Wittgenstein (1993). I only made a single edit to it but you'll have to read through it to find it...

Unexpected hopecore for me tbh. That scene where he goes to the Soviet Union to be a manual laborer but will only be given a teaching job reminded me of this wojak comic.

The gay stuff was great. James liked that Bertrand Russell was in it because he's reading one of his math books. It was too quirked-up British for my taste. Like the same feeling I get seeing Indian old people with Anglophile paraphernalia/knick-knacks/baubles (iykyk — I'm picturing my late grandma's commemorative Queen Elizabeth Ruby Jubilee horse and carriage set). Like it's harmless and may have some artistic merit, but I don't like it personally.

Also in the spirit of treating this as a time capsule of my life: Gwen selected our pre-feature watch of this skate video since we had gone to Greenblock beforehand.

I fell on my ankle going down a ramp but I got back up and cleared it anyway.

The video took place in Akron, Ohio. Gwen didn't know Alex was from there. As the video opened with Cindy Lee's Diamond Jubilee, Alex and I just looked at each other and started yelling at the same time (we saw Cindy Lee together last November in Brooklyn).

The video ended with a Black Market Karma song I listened to a lot a year ago when I was depressed and stuck with an 1190 Saturday afternoon slot I felt too stingy to give up

Maybe it's the insomnia making me delirious this week, but I felt a sense of nostalgia and sadness watching it.